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5 Reasons the Sex Sucks with Your New Partner

Photo by elizabeth lies on Unsplash

Pretty sure we’ve all been there. You’re all excited about someone new, you can’t wait to get naked with them, and then… oh.  Or you’ve really liked someone for ages, you FINALLY start hooking up with them….and then you lay there staring at the ceiling.  There are a few reasons for this, and – breathe! – none of them are, ‘you’re bad in bed’.

 

1. You both really like each other 

…So you’re nervous!  Things have built up in your mind/s to a point where expectations and reality are almost always going to be a bit misaligned.  You might be rushing things, you might feel a little awkward, you might be feeling particularly vulnerable and now, suddenly, it’s happening and it’s not….quite… there yet.  That’s ok. I once read that the worse sex is to start with, the more it’s an indication of how much you like each other. If nothing else, it leaves room to grow as your relationship grows and you feel more comfortable communicating with each other both in and outside of the bedroom. The important thing is not to see it as a sign that everything is doomed.  It’s more than likely just a sign to talk about what you want, and try again.

 

2. You were drunk the first time

This sometimes dovetails with the point above, which can make things even harder.  But it may be that you met on a night out or in circumstances where the main thing you remember is that you were drunk and excited to have sex with each other.  So you did! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but it can sometimes make the following hook up a little more pressured. Maybe you were wild and uninhibited the first time, possibly thinking it was only a one night stand or possibly not really thinking much about the future at all. Changing the goal posts for the next encounter to ‘This could be an Ongoing Thing’ can add a level of pressure and awkwardness that shows up throughout the encounter.  Don’t worry, it can just take a little more time to get into your sober groove, especially if you’re cringing with over the top drunken dirty talk flashbacks. Try talking about it and maybe even joking about it – gently! – to lighten the mood. 

 

3. One of you likes the other more 

This one can be a little more painful. It might show up as one of you focusing more on the other’s pleasure, or conversely, that one of you is more awkward or insecure and feeling shy to initiate anything.  It might be that you really want to take your time with sweet caresses and your partner doesn’t, or vice versa. They might be clinging to you like a barnacle afterwards while you’re trying to subtly wriggle away so you can air their sweat off of your back.  The best way to deal with this one is arguably the most difficult – tackle it head on and have a conversation about if you’re both on the same page. And if you’re not, don’t hook up again. It can be hard and it can be tempting – especially if it’s good sex – but ultimately it’s not worth the emotional pain it will cause either or both of you.  If you’re the one who cares more, you deserve more than the scraps of affection you’ll get through this kind of pairing. And if you’re the one who doesn’t care as much, thinking about the harm you’re ultimately doing to a person who cares about you only because you want to experience the physical intimacy. While you’re at it, maybe take a look at why you’re not interested in the emotional intimacy – is it just with this person? or is this a pattern for you? – but either way, make sure you’re on the same page.  No orgasm outweighs a broken heart. 

 

4. Sex means different things to each of you

This is obviously linked to the point above – one person having emotions that the other doesn’t share makes it very likely that the sex will mean different things to each of them. But even if you’re on the same page about where things are going, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re both on the same page about what sex is, what it means, and what it includes.  For example, some people still take their definition of sex from Bill Clinton in the 90s: sex is penis-in-vagina penetration and nothing else counts. But for a lot of us, especially (obviously) many LGBTQ people and most vulva-havers, that’s only 1 sex act among many options. Beyond the definition itself, what else does sex mean to you? Is sex spiritual? Or only physical? How do you practice safe sex? When is sex over? How important is your orgasm? What about your partner’s orgasm? What do you do afterwards – is post-coital cuddling still part of sex or is it time to put your pants on and leave? These are all questions where misaligned answers can create awkwardness with a new partner. Again, the best way to make sure you’re on the same page is to talk about it. Communicate your needs and ask about your partner/s’. So often these things are more of a ‘learning on the job’ scenario, but a conversation before, or even after, can prevent a lot of ‘workplace accidents’.  

 

5. It’s the first time you’re trying X, Y, or Z

Contrary to a lot of popular myth and advice out there – if you’re trying a particular sex act for the first time, I’m sorry to tell you, it’s likely not going to be great. Not because you aren’t amazing or your partner/s aren’t either, but because you might be nervous, unsure what you’re doing, and trying to process the many aspects of the new sensation (physical, emotional, intellectual) all at once, which can be overwhelming. It’s hard to focus on form, how you’re feeling, and how your partner/s are feeling all at the same time. That’s ok. Look at it as an experiment, not a new sexual peak you’re supposed to reach, and approach it with a beginner’s mindset of ‘I’m here to learn’.  Then try it again when you feel ready (and maybe again and again and again if you like it 😉 ) and no doubt that as with anything – with a bit of time and practice, it’ll improve.  

 

So for the TLDR people out there: The key to good sex with a new partner/s is the same as the key to good sex with an existing partner/s: honest, open communication. And when you’re clear about what you want, where your boundaries are, and what you’re willing to accept, it becomes far easier to communicate that information to someone else.  Think of it like having an inner GPS for good sex. When you know where you want to go, it’s much easier to tell if you’re going off course.  

If you’re looking for support with defining and communicating your boundaries, 1:1 coaching can be a great option.  Check out what Fair Pleasure can offer and see if it’s a fit.

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