Asking for what you want in bed – as with life – is crucial. We know that, we agree with it, we shout it from the proverbial rooftops (especially, it seems, on Instagram – gotta love an affirming meme). But what about that moment when it’s just you and your partner/s and you’re all ready to say ‘I’d really like to try…’ but then you get nervous and it doesn’t quite come out and it’s awkward AF?!
Yeah, we’ve all been there.
How do you actually start a conversation around things you’d like to try in bed? How do you casually drop it into the conversation that you’d actually be really keen on a rim job tonight, thanksverymuch. It might not feel like casual brunch chat, but maybe it should be. And once you reframe some of the fears that might be holding you back and look at where they’re coming from, you can liberate your inner experimenter – and help your partner/s liberate theirs!
1. Talk about it outside of the bedroom
Talking about what you want in bed outside of the actual bed can really help to take the pressure off. It gives both of you time to think over what you’re interested in trying and how far you’re willing to go. It also relieves any pressure to jump into anything immediately. It gives you space to get comfortable with the idea, rather than bringing it up when you might lose your turn on.
2. Talk about it like it isn’t a big deal (see here)
Tone of voice is one of the hardest things to control and one of the things that is most revealing about what we’re actually thinking, according to body language experts. So remind yourself that sexual preferences are like pizza toppings, and do your very best to mentally reframe it so that you genuinely BELIEVE it isn’t a big deal. It’s just your preference. It’s just something you’re curious about. It’s just a way to spend a fun evening together, getting to know each other better, and making each other feel good. It’s just a way to have fun.
3. Ask open questions
A classic technique! Try to avoid questions that can be answered with a simple yes/no.
Instead of ‘Do you think trying X would be fun?’ try ‘What would you think about trying X?’. Or instead of ‘Do you like Y?’ try ‘How do you feel about Y?’. This will help to open up the discussion and can avoid knee jerk reactions or a pressure to say ‘Yes’ before being comfortable.
4. Create intimacy with a common point of reference
Start by talking about something you experienced together or have talked about together in the past. Like ‘Remember that time we saw that viking movie? Well I was thinking…’ or “I was thinking about that time we did X together the other day. I’d love to do that again and try Y as well.’ By starting from a place of something you’ve done together, you’re creating a sense of team, togetherness, and a shared story.
5. Do something together that turns you both on
Get a little turned on first. It’s like being tipsy – pardon the pun, but it lubricates the conversation. You’re already in the mood, so being a little more daring might come more naturally. Ideally do it somewhere where you can’t act on it right away (see point 1) so that it’s something sexy to ponder until you can.